Archaeology for Dummies (time-traveler's edition)
by Meer-Katnip
Summary: An educational learning experience involving school buses, incriminating stories and eldritch horrors from beyond the grave. This probably wasn't on the course outline.


**All I can say about this thing is-**

 **...oops.**

 **Bernice is an Expanded Doctor Who universe character, in case you don't know her. I just really pictured her and the Frizz getting along well together. And yes, I did make several references to the popular fan theory that, well, Miss Frizzle is a Time Lady.**

 **This whole fic sprung up from a piece of fanart that I drew- which is the cover art for this. There's a link to a bigger version on my profile page.**

 **Allons-y, and don't forget to leave a comment!**

* * *

It all started, as it usually did, with Miss Frizzle declaring that the class was going on a field trip. There were the normal reactions- ("I knew I should have stayed home today," moaned Arnold) - and a mad scramble for the bus, which beeped and honked with an enthusiasm that made it sound almost sentient.

"Where are we going today?" Keesha wondered, rubbing at the window, which had fogged over with the cold. Everyone was wearing warm winter coats, apart from their teacher, who had a dress on that was decorated with shovels and rocks. It seemed far too summer-like for the occasion.

Miss Frizzle tapped her nose secretively. "It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises," said Arnold frankly. Tim nudged him.

"Hey, lighten up. It might be fun."

The bus started up with a hearty growl, and reality twisted in seventeen different directions at once.

Several screams echoed, and Miss Frizzle simply laughed. The bus did too, maybe. It's hard to tell when you're talking about a bus.

* * *

"It's an archaeological dig site," said Wanda, looking at the archaeological dig site. "We haven't been shrunk, converted into atomic particles, or turned into birds. For some reason I'm surprised by this."

"Give it time," advised Ralphie. The Friz ushered them all towards the main tent, where all the main activity seemed to be centred.

"According to my research," Dorothy Ann said cheerfully. "we appear to be in Egypt."

"Egypt!" Carlos said, immediately rummaging around mentally for bad puns about pyramids.

A woman with short black hair and a brown jacket on seemed to have noticed them, and she came dashing over with remarkable keenness. " _Valerie!_ "

Miss Frizzle turned and brightened. "Class, I'd like to introduce you to my very good friend and one-time close associate- oof!"

The woman collided with her, and they both went down in an awkward tangle of limbs and bodies. The class stared.

"Well then," said Carlos, with a lack of anything else to say.

"This is Bernice Summerfield, Professor of archaeology," Miss Frizzle managed from the ground. "And I'd actually appreciate it if you got off me right now. You're squishing me to death."

"Sorry," said Bernice, scrambling up. "It's just that- well, it's been so long, and I thought- wait, you're a _teacher_ now?"

The entire class was now watching with renewed interest.

"You knew her before she was a teacher?" asked Ralphie in delight.

"I didn't think she did _anything_ before she was a teacher," said Wanda. "I kind of assumed she sprung up out of nowhere."

Bernice blinked. "Believe it or not, I could tell you some interesting stories about her. If you wanted, I mean."

"Yes, _please,_ " chorused everyone except Miss Frizzle, who looked distinctly uncomfortable, and began shepherding everyone towards the entrance to the actual dig site.

"Benny, could we go have a look at what your team has been working on? I'm sure the class will be absolutely _fascinated_ by what you have to show them."

There was muffled complaining in the ranks as Bernice led them off.

* * *

"And _these,_ " said Bernice happily. "These are the remnants of what we believe to be a lost alien civilisation based around Egyptian mythology."

"According to my research, there's no such thing as aliens," said Dorothy Ann.

"Don't be ridiculous," scoffed Bernice. "At the risk of sounding like a bumper car sticker, my best friend is an alien."

There was a beat.

"I think you broke her," said Tim, poking D.A., who appeared to have blanked out.

"What does this mean?" asked Keesha curiously, pointing at a group of symbols. Bernice leant over, and frowned.

"Um… 'Beware the wrath of the mummy king'. I think."

"That sounds ominous," said Ralphie, just as the door to the outside of the tomb slammed shut.

Everyone paused for a moment.

* * *

Later, nearly everybody would agree that the point when everything had started going downhill was when the bloodthirsty killer mummies from Earth's past had started to chase them.

(Arnold, of course, argued that the trouble began as soon as the words 'field trip' had come out of their teacher's mouth, but everyone ignored him.)

* * *

"Your kids are good," said Bernice, as Tim brought down a mummy with a rugby tackle. "Resourceful," she added, impressed, as Keesha used a trowel to bash out its non-existent brains. "I blame you. I don't think I had a teacher like you at their age."

("We never got chased around a pyramid by mummies at my old school!" Phoebe yelled. "We never even _went_ to a pyramid at my old school!")

Miss Frizzle shrugged. "They're my gifted and talented class. Why do you think there's only eight of them?"

"You're an interesting teacher. What's your style?"

The red-headed teacher grinned. "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy! It's the only teaching style to ever use!"

"'Take chances, make mistakes, get messy'?" snorted Bernice. "For me, it's more like 'take chances, choose the wrong bloke, and get completely and utterly drunk at the breakup after party'."

For a moment, they watched the beautiful chaos that was a group of primary school children completely kicking the butts of monsters from the dawn of time.

"There's a slight problem," said Bernice, when they were done. "The door's shut behind us. We're going to run out of air pretty soon."

"We're going to _suffocate?_ " exclaimed Wanda, horrified.

"Unless we can come up with a decent solution, yes."

There was a depressed silence.

"I _guess_ you could say," began Carlos, with the air of someone who's about to crack a really terrible and long out-dated joke. "that it isn't _pharaoh_."

Everyone digested that for a moment.

" _CARLOS,_ " the whole room excluding Bernice groaned, the latter of which grinned appreciatively and high-fived the creator of the bad pun.

"I have an idea," said Miss Frizzle. "Why don't we take the bus out of here?"

Bernice looked at her incredulously. "You turned your TAR-"

Miss Frizzle coughed. "My _machine_ is a bus now, yes. And I can probably get it in here."

"Let's bust this joint!" crowed Ralphie happily.

* * *

"It has _eyes,_ " mumbled Bernice. "What sort of crukking bus has-"

" _This_ bus," Arnold told her. "I can barely believe it myself most of the time."

The bus in question revved and took a shortcut through time and space, before parking itself a few metres away from where it had left. But on the outside of the locked tomb this time.

"Nice party trick," said Bernice. "But you're still a terrible driver. Let me out this instant."

* * *

Before any incriminating stories could be told, Phoebe noticed that Bernice had a wedding ring on. Which, predictably, led to a lot of cooing and aahing from the girls.

"We're sort of married," said Bernice in a tone that was way too proud. "I mean, we were divorced. And then we weren't. And then we were again, but we still love each other. It's complicated."

"Then why do you still wear your ring?" Dorothy Ann asked, ever the logical one.

Bernice coughed. "Well. It's sort of. Er, a time machine."

"A TIME MACHINE?" chorused the boys, instantly jumping into the conversation.

"Can you show us?"

"How does it work?"

"Have you ever destroyed the Earth in a massive paradox that was fixed a couple of minutes later?"

"No, I have no idea, and yes, a few times."

" _Cool_ ," said Carlos happily.

"Why can't you show us?" asked Wanda.

"Because it might destroy the Earth and cause a massive paradox," interrupted Miss Frizzle smoothly, than looked thoughtful. "Actually, that might be a fascinating learning experience."

" _No,_ " said Bernice firmly.

"Sorry to interrupt this fascinating conversation," said a familiar voice from behind all of them. "But I just made your decision for you."

Everyone looked at the newcomer, and recoiled in shock.

"Yeah, yeah," said the new Bernice Summerfield. "I look exactly like her, practically perfect in every way. Time travel, see?"

"How interesting!" said Miss Frizzle. "I assume that the present version of Benny needs to go back to reassert the timeline?"

"Got it in one," replied the slightly older version, nodding towards her past self. "Hurry up, you don't want to destroy the Earth or something."

The younger Bernice twisted her wedding ring, sighing impatiently. "Am I always like this?"

"'Fraid so," said her doppelganger. "See you later. Or earlier."

"Not if I see you first. And might I add, you're looking particularly charming today?"

"Thanks, you too!"

And with that, the younger Bernice vanished in a flash of light. There was a slight stunned silence.

"My head hurts," announced Keesha.

"That happens," Bernice told her, turning to the rest of the class. "Now, it's very important that you never use time travel like that. Ever. Unless it's for cheap party tricks to impress younger people, like you, in which case go for it, but make sure never to sleep with your younger self. Because that leads to all sorts of awkward questions like who instigated what, and the next thing you know you're somehow pregnant with your own child."

Miss Frizzle coughed.

"There are _children_ present," said Dorothy Ann severely.

* * *

Everyone had brushes, but no one was painting. They were engaging in a very important archaeological exercise involving brushing the ancient dirt off artefacts.

That's what it was supposed to be. Mostly, everyone was having fun.

"Stop sweeping _dust_ into my face!" squealed Wanda, kicking at Ralphie's leg, who laughed, and darted away.

"According to my research, this is the remains of a lost alien civilisation!" declared D.A., who had since accepted the fact that aliens were real. Being chased by mummies tends to do that to a person.

"-and then she said, 'Bear? BEAR?' and dived for the panda," Bernice told Carlos and Tim, who both dissolved into laughter. "And then we both woke up the next morning with nothing but a-"

"I'm sure there's something else these two could be doing," said Miss Frizzle, grabbing both boys by the wrists, and tugging them away. They whined and complained, but were set to work on the fossils.

"We never went on archaeology digs at my old school," said Phoebe to Arnold. She paused. "This school is much better than my old school."

"It is, isn't it," said Arnold thoughtfully.

* * *

"So, class," exclaimed Miss Frizzle, after they had waved goodbye to Bernice, and headed back to school. "What did we learn today?"

There was what can only be described as a collective blink from the class.

"…how to run away from mummies intent on ripping us to shreds?" suggested Phoebe after a moment.

"How not to destroy the Earth in a massive time travel paradox!" added Ralphie with relish.

"What you get up to in your spare time," tried Tim, and was silenced with a death glare from their teacher. "…archaeology?"

"Excellent, anything else?" she beamed.

There was a beat.

"We didn't learn much today, did we," said Arnold slowly. "Is that a good thing?"

"I have no idea," muttered Wanda. "It's _new,_ I guess…"

"Hey," said Carlos suddenly. "What would a time machine be called if the user only used it to go back to get items for his herb garden."

Everyone froze.

"I don't know," said Phoebe cautiously. "What _would_ it be called?"

"A thyme machine!"

There was pause that seemed to last for ever.

And then-

" _CARLOS!_ " everyone screamed.

* * *

 **The End**


End file.
